I could move mountains with this strength

This weekend I faced my first big challenge since my 'epiphany' last month. I don't need to, nor will I, go into the specifics here but something happened to me on Saturday night that wasn't all that nice; something that I did not deserve. I view myself as a good person. A caring, thoughtful, loving person. A person that would go out of her way to make those she loves happy. A person who thinks highly of her friends and if she says that she loves them and cares about them, she means it. No question about it. I came to realise, once again on Saturday evening, unfortunately it happens all too often here, that not everyone views friendship in the same way as me. And I found out in not not such a pleasant way all over again. I'm not sure if the issues I've had with friends here is an 'expat living in a different country' kind of thing in general or whether it's just something that happens with foreigners living here in Korea. I do know, however, that it's not just something that happens to me because many people I've met here have experienced the same problem at one stage or another.

The only thing I will take away from Saturday night, and a thing I will keep at the forefront of my memory forever, is that I overcame something not very nice with an abundance of strength and with unwavering, adamant belief that I deserve better. It was the very first time in my life facing a problem with a relationship and a situation where I felt very let down and disappointed, and not blaming myself. BREAK.THROUGH. Standing strong and facing the problem, head-on, self assured and with all the power and might I had inside me. And not, in that instant, crumbling to the group in a heap of self pity questioning what I had done so wrong and remaining unable to pull  myself up from that pit for a long time afterwards. Not once did I question: what I could possibly have done for people to think so little of me, or why I always seem to like people so much more than they like me, or why they don't seem to want to spend time with me quite as much as I want to spend time with them. I would have thought each of those things before and I would not have been able to stop thinking them or stop blaming myself or stop pulling myself to shreds. And that is one of my biggest achievements to date. I will proud of what I achieved that night for as long as I live.

People are just different. The end. Some people care a lot and some people don't. Some people are good friends and some people aren't. Some people are real and some are not. Does it mean I have to put up with these people in my life? People constantly letting me down and making me feel that I am of very little worth? To hell it does!!! You see, the old Chelsea would have clung on for dear life. Tried to change them, tried to make them like her more, tried to get them to want to spend more time with her, tried to change herself into something better, change herself into a more likeable person, someone that a person could not bare to be without. The whole time obsessing and depressing herself and letting it eat her alive.

I would have done anything. Anything to not have people 'not wanting me' or 'rejecting me' because that was the most unbearable thing I could imagine. But what's more unbearable is doing that until you've got nothing left to give; doing that to the point it has almost broken you for you to then realise that you've failed anyway.

No, never again will I do that to myself. From now on I will only tolerate having people in my life who treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And that's all there is to it. I'm not saying I am better than anyone here and I'm not saying that I have fallen out with people or that I will fall out with someone the second someone lets me down in the future, which is bound to happen give the high expectations that I have, which, by the way, I refuse to lower for anybody! No, I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying though is that after a lifetime of not knowing my own worth, will I ever, EVER let anyone take my happiness from me again. Never again will I allow an undeserving person, or anyone for that matter, to to have control of my heart.

The photo that will help me remember forever.
When I look at this girl I see a strong, confident, beautiful young woman that knows exactly who she is and is proud of everything she is and all that she has achieved. She no longer hides behind a pretend smile and she no longer lives her life trying to please others or trying to get them to like her. She's no longer searching for happiness because she's found it. And it was right there inside her own heart.
She knows how to be happy with herself and she knows how to love herself and she has the faith to believe that everything will come to her. Because she deserves it. And she will never again, settle for anything less than she deserves. She's one of the best people you could know and if you don't agree, keep walking because there's no room for you here.
I love her ♥

It's taken me a long time but I am now firmly in the driving seat of my own life, reliant on nobody to get me where I need to be. At times my journey will be full of happy souls along for the ride but other times, I'll be left to go it alone for a while. And I'll be happy at those times, too. Either way, I will be the driving force in my own life and nothing and nobody will ever change that.