Well I’ve had my blog for a while but until now this section has remained blank because I honestly wasn’t sure what to write (…over-thinking perfectionist! We’ll get to that!) For a start off I’m far too complex to sum up in a few lines here, as anyone who knows me will agree. But, if I have to summarise myself, here goes…
My best traits are my worst traits and my worst traits are my best traits. And that is key to knowing who I am. I’m immensely passionate, I am loyal to fault, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I care too much, I love too easily and my hearts gets broken too often. I’m stubborn, sensitive, dramatic, and emotional. I’m a perfectionist. I have unrealistically high expectations of everything and everyone. I’m loud and vivacious and I overthink every little thing. I forget too often how strong I can be and sometimes I lack self-belief. I’m critical and I am, by far, my own worst enemy. I am intense in every sense of the word. I have only three emotions and no in-betweens. When I’m happy, I’m very happy. When I’m sad, I’m very sad. And When I’m angry, I’m very angry. No middle ground. Ever. What you see, is what you get. My face, my life, my heart read like an open book. So easy to read. Yet at the same time, I could not be more difficult to figure out.
…”Crazy!” or “Drama Queen!” I hear you cry and yes, it wouldn’t be the first time. No surprises there. Does that bother me? Well actually it does. A lot. Unfortunately.
…But maybe not for much longer…
A while back, I went through a particularly difficult period in which I lost all sense of who I was. I won’t draw out the details here but I was extremely lost. However, it’s actually not a sad story in the end because it prompted this current part of my life; my wonderful life here in Seoul, South Korea. So I’m thankful that it happened and I went through what I did because had I not, I wouldn’t be on this world wind adventure having the time of my life right now. I’m living and teaching here and having experiences that I could only have dreamt of before. But more than that, it has been a wonderful path, as corny as it sounds, of self-discovery. Not only do I now know and understand myself better, I’ve also changed for the better in countless ways and achieved things that I am very proud of.
But most importantly, I’m learning as time goes on, what I DON’T need to change. And this has been the eye-opener on this journey. I’m accepting and appreciating myself more now, and dare I say it, I’m even kinda beginning to like myself a little. The only thing I now realise that I need to change is my desperate need for people to like me. For the first time ever, my focus is trying to like myself for once . I’m starting to push out all the other voices that I hear (and it’s my own that’s the loudest!!) telling me that I’m not good enough or that I need to change. No, I don’t. This is me. Good and bad. Take me or leave me. It’s going to be the toughest challenge of my life but it needs to happen and it needs to happen now.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-E.E. Cummings
-E.E. Cummings
