❤EPIPHANY❤

A couple of nights ago, the evening of April 3rd to be exact, something huge happened. Something happened inside of me that I've have longed for and needed for a very, very long time. In the past when I've heard of people having these so called 'epiphanies' I've felt so envious and confused and even doubtful about how these moments can be achieved. 'Can they really be achieved?' I would wonder. 'And if they can, why can't I make it happen for me?'

I spent years trying to overcome my personality difficulties. Years. Difficulties that I knew I needed to take control of and let go of and I tried and tried but I just didn't know how to overcome them. I listened for years to people telling me, "You know your problem, Chelsea... blah blah blah..." and "You know, you really ought to do X,Y,Z if you want to blah blah blah..." I listened and I knew they were right and I knew how I should feel but I just didn't know how I could get to that point. I didn't know how to stop blaming myself for everything, I didn't know how to stop longing for what I didn't have, I didn't know how to stop taking everything to heart like a personal attack and, above all else, I had absolutely no clue where to begin with this foreign idea of "loving oneself." That was just an unachievable pipe dream! I knew that I needed, I just didn't know how to, achieve this freedom from my own self-deprecating mess of a self.

And then it just happened. And suddenly, just like that, everything was different. Well that's how it felt;  'sudden.' But having thought about it some more, it isn't just an out of the blue thing that happens and takes you by surprise one day. It's the result of something that you have worked hard towards for a very long time. It is the resolution to the all the problems you've had to face and the ending of all the inner personal battles you have had to fight. It's the end of the old you and it's the beginning of a new you. It's the complete realisation and understanding you have been searching for. It's the release of the bad and the freedom to go forward. It's what you have been waiting for, and hoping for and fighting for. It's what you need to live the happy life you've always dreamed of. And most importantly of all, it's exactly what you deserve.

Everything you've always had trouble understanding or believing suddenly becomes as clear as day. Everything makes sense. Everything seems simple. Everything feels calm and relaxed and slow. Everything feels attainable and within reach. And most vividly of all, with this new found attitude and view of yourself and everything around you, the thought of ever not having felt like this seems absolutely impossible. How could I have gone all those years not feeling like this? It's so easy! It makes so much sense!

But the length of time it took to get to where I am is not important. That fact that I got here and that I'm here now is what matters. Although I do feel like a huge change has taken place, I am not naive enough to think that there won't be difficult times ahead and that everything will be plain sailing. I'm not stupid! Of course I'll have my difficulties. And I know that this is only the beginning! Just because I now see everything more clearly, it does not mean that I instantly love myself. That is gonna take a lot of work but I know that I will get there eventually. There is not one doubt in my mind. But having reached that point, that night, I know that whatever difficulties await me in the future, they will be dealt with and they will pass. I will be fine because I know now that the ongoing heartache that had been with me forever has finally been let go of. And I will be fine. Time to be the girl I've always wanted to be with a heart free of sorrow! I can't wait! ❤