Contradictory mess! ..UNTIL NOW!

Just back from one of the best trips, if not THE best trip, of my life; Malaysia>Singapore>Indonesia. And I couldn't be happier about the wonderful time that I had, the invaluable lessons I learned and the nice memories that I'll have forever.

That trip was different to any other trip I've ever been on because it was the only time (after my last plan failed due to my ankle injury) I have ever moved from country to country as part of one trip. I was quite worried about that before the trip began because I thought I was sure to mess something up. I didn't think it could or would go as smoothly as I had planned. It was very fast paced (I was literally moving from place to place every two/three days!) because I only had fifteen days so I didn't have time for anything to go wrong!

But nothing went wrong! In fact, the whole thing turned out perfectly! That was such a huge accomplishment for me. A trip that I had been completely responsible for, not relied on anyone else for, and it had all worked out. Sometimes I doubt my own ability and this is a nice reminder that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I'm happy with myself and proud of myself for this great achievement! I did it! Yeah!!! :)

I learned something else on that trip. Actually that's downplaying it a little; I had a breakthrough. I realised, for the first time in my life, that I could be happy... wait for it... alone. Yes, ALONE. If I'm being honest, I've been somewhat of a contradictory mess until now. Ha. On the one hand, in certain situations, I would be independent to the point of complete stubbornness and desperation to get by without the help of others. And then on the other, when it came to "happiness," I put my absolute reliance on others. The two were very different for me. In trying to get things done and trying to be "perfect," I  HAD to be independent. In my attempts at happiness, I could not have been more dependent on others. Anyone and everyone. I had no idea how much this had been destroying me. Until now.

That trip was so eye opening. Although the first two days were spent with friends and the last few days with friends, which of course was lovely, the time in the middle was alone and wonderful on a whole different level. I kept myself busy all day, everyday, exploring and seeing things and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I didn't have to please anyone but MYSELF. I met loads of new people that seemed happy in my presence reminding me that I am a nice, happy, fun person to be around. And most importantly, I went to sleep every night with a contentment in my heart that I'm not sure I have ever felt before. I was experiencing for the first time how to enjoy my own company and how to be be happy, and probably even more importantly, content, alone. Learning that being alone, God forbid, didn't have to be associated with negative, miserable feelings of loneliness. What a breakthrough!!! FINALLY!

It's been a long time coming but I'm finally starting to realise things I could never understand before. I'm actually not so bad after all... :)